As I lay in bed I think what have I done for the day and what have I done through the past years of my life. Have I been a good son to mother or father, a good brother to brother or sister or been a loved one to my beloved and dear ones.
What a man soweth so shall he rep. Quite true, looking back at all the years all I come to know is that I have loved none but myself... Yet quite to my dismay others seem to like me or atleast I feel so, maybe a mirage on water :) but yes when I lay with three pounds or traction with pulling weights down my two sides of the head I saw tears rolling down everyone surrounding me. Suddenly I felt I had more than one who loved and cared for me and wanted me to live. Death was so near with doctors saying if I go into a coma may not survive yet still I seemed to smile down every face that showed sadness and tears.
Looks like thats how my life has been smile down everyone leaving tears to all who loved me. Yet I smile, smile that I have people looking at me, smile to hide my fears, smile to hide my sadness, smile to hide my anger... and yet I smile. My weakness ... my strength....
As usual started my day in bed looking for my sweethearts messages...a couple seem to have come and I responded to them.. still messages are messages nothing is as good as a nice talk, depth in voice, love in the air. So I called her to find out how she was, looks like she was doing well preparing for her friends coming and cleaning up the apartment. Her sister was inviting some friends to watch a movie. Good to have friends, they take away the loneliness and pain of being alone. Something that I never mastered. To me freinds came to mind when I wanted and when wished to be with them. Hmmm, yes I'm an opportunist in true sense, true to my whims and fancies have so less freinds or those whom I call friends.
At times I think would I be able to give her a good life, me an mix of introvert and extrovert and she more seems to be of an extrovert. Most of the time, I spend with myself and with work and she is like a bird, flies in the air; free and tends to flock with similar birds. I rarely visit a cafe or restaurant unless I couldn't resist hunger or urge to eat something nice. Whereas she does visit quite often to be with friends, sometimes to make friends. Likes to dance or hang out much with friends on Saturdays or weekends. I at the other hand all I can hang out is with my laptop and bed during those days. Hehe, wonder how would it be when be together, maybe I still would not let loose my habits and she would go crazy.
Well, coming from a lower middle class family, all I have seen in my life is the 15 inch TV and quite a few friends who lived in the near by houses, that's all I had for entertainment. Couldn't spend much as only father earned for the house and had six hungry kids to feed and mom didn't work. All her time was spent attending to us and father and she took it as her unpaid work for all her life. Day in and day out struggled for the family never a day complained, as even if she worked she could have taken a day or two off a week but for hungry bellies never was a day off.
I still remember the day when she beat me black and blue coz I stole 5 paise ($0.001) for buying a candy. Since that day I never touched anything that wasn't mine, except for books that I borrowed from time to time from neighbors stackbox and returned them. Like all kids I too was obsessed with sweets and icecream and unlike most of them also was obsessed with books. Obsession with books took away most of my appetite and hence never complained to anyone that wanted something nice or special. All I could think of was to be like those guys described in books, sometimes like superhero out to save the world, sometimes a lone crusader off to save the jungles of Africa. As a part of this obsession read the entire bible thrice before I was 13 and was the best in catechism. Anyways those were good old days. Walking almost 7 miles a day from home to school and from school back to home.
Dad couldn't afford me money to take the bus, but nevertheless gave me two good feet to walk on. Walked everywhere I went under shade of tress over bridges with small stream underneath, listening to the gush of water flowing past, across crazy roads which were too wide and big then and not so many motor vehicles zipped past , but still was afraid at times to cross. Across big hockey feild which was four times the size of a soccer field or atleast I felt so. Walking under the gulmohar trees in spring was fun. Everything was painted in red and looked like the heaven was covered in red robe with holes in between and golden rays penetrated through them down to touch me holding my hand as I walked under them. Lush green bushes and plants surrounding the roads, some spawning from between the fence and some trees throwing their shade from other side of the fence. Walking was fun not always though especially when it rained was worse, couldn't afford an umbrella, so tied plastic bags around head which was not enough to keep me dry. So at times had to run not to get drenched in the rain, but most of the time stayed back till it stopped.
My first raincoat was when I was 12 years old I think, don't remember much but was all in silver color and the best I ever received as gift, for the first few days it was fun, but later on it became a burned to already saddled bag of books and had to carry it daily coz never could predict when it would rain or not during monsoons and in the east coast, it rained almost on every occassion, north west monsoon between mid of April to July, south west monsoon from July to september or mid october and again cyclones in October and November. Then came December too cold at times it went to as close as 7 or 8 degrees celsius for a boy who had beared on an average of 22- 23 degrees in the year bearing 8 degrees was like dressing like an eskimo. Never walked without slippers and sweater. When was a kid used to wear half trousers and that made it even worse so had to drape myself in a blanket always.
Christmas was fun, loved carols when they visited home and neighbours and those midnight celebrations in church was fantastic and wonderful, likewise for Newyear. Still remember writing the NewYear with the candle flames and welcomming it along with the rest of the people.
Those days will remain as memories now .....
I think I too would love to go out and spend time and money..but as soon as I go out I'm afraid of spending, the same when I stay home would save on food, on travel expenses and ofcourse on unnecessary stuff that I would be tempted to buy or would have to buy in company of freinds. Maybe I'm a miser or maybe I'm a spendthrift. A guy who has left his shores for another shore to find a better place to work for more money is always greedy to save, so am I.. so wats wrong with it. I dunt mind wat others think or go crazy about pubs, bars, girlfreinds, boyfreinds or casinos or cars or food. I careless about them. All I do care is to muster the courage to face the life in future that lays ahead of me. I'm not born rich like so many others I see or happen to see, nor have I become rich.. all I have been is still stay the same lower middle class guy who sleeps on the floor and uses just two pillows for resting and a blanket to cover himself to sleep. I think thats all I would need seven feet of space and some warmth.
All I'm afraid of is her adjusting to my lifestyle and thoughts and me adjusting to her lifestyles. Never in my life drove a car, nor have seen it closely for first 20 years of my life :P Its going to be an intresting blend of customs, lifestyles and cultures, where east meets west. Hope so there would be fusion in everything.
Unlike other saturdays where I used to sleep for most part of the day, today was spent in watching a horror movie with friends, working for most of the time and then again watching sci-fi movie. And then again working a bit and watching a historic chinese movie. The first movie was captivating for one song.
Where do you search for salvation my freind
I'm always inside you, with you..
Not in holy places, nor in idols
nor in places of silence
I'm with you my freind, with you
The sooner you search the sooner you will find
in a moment of quest with faith
says the wise old seer
I'm always in your faith
Oh my dear freind..
I'm inside you, with you
For the up-liftment of the good and virtuous,
For the destruction of evil,
For the re-establishment of the natural law,
I will come, in every age
Nor am I in prayer nor in meditation..
nor in steadfastness or fasting..
not in meaningless rituals
nor in celibacy or monastery,
nor in life nor in death,
nor on earth nor in sky,
nor in flora or fauna
nor in depths nor caves
nor in the air that we breathe
my freind...
the sooner you search the sooner you will find
in a moment of quest with faith
I'm always inside you.. with you
The moral of the movie was even if we do not commit evil, do not be prepetrators of evil tied through some way or other by greed or lust or hunger for power. What you sow, so shall you reap, if you affect even one life it will come back to you and affect you to the full till the day you leave the earth.
Then after working for a while saw chronicles of Riddick was good time, prevailance of good over evil like in all movies where the subdued overcome the suppressors. However the last one that I saw was a bit sad, coz it was more closer to real life and historic one belonging to the life of emperor of the Tang Dynasty. The movie was about how he cheated his lover when he was a captain due to his high ambitions to become a ruler and to marry a princess just for her kingdom. Later he finds that the empress is sleeping with his son from his first lover and poisons her slowly with black fungus. The empress knowing his evil designs plots to lead an uprising against him using her own son (second in heir to the throne). He is the most capable of all the empeorors sons, most obedient to his father and mother and couldn't say no to his mother asking him to lead an uprising while she herself was struggling with her life in slow death.
This starts the chrysanthemum war, the emperor comes to know through his first son that his wife is plotting to overthrow him and orders his army for seizing his revolting son. His youngest son in fit of madness of the throne kills his elder brother and the emperor who loves his eldest the most kills his youngest son to avenge his death. The palace is in utter turmoil when the second son wearing the chrystanthemum banners and leading an army of 10000 soldiers marches into the palace to see that his father had been warned and all his uprising mutineers are slaughtered. His second son is caught as a traitor.
His father arranges a banquet inviting his wife and his second son. He tells his son that he was planning to make him heir to the throne after the chrysthanthemum festival and he did a big mistake in taking part in the uprising and that he would spare his life, if he himself hands over the poision daily to her mother to die a slow death. The son, tells his father that he didn't not lead the uprising for the throne, he knew from the start that he would lose, but to keep his mothers will, he lead it. Thus saying he kneels to his mother and says, he failed but he tried his best and draws out his sword and kills himself.
Story ends in a tragic end where entire family is wiped out in a single night yet the emperor stays undeterred. Most of our lives are almost the same, we do what we want what that pleases us and us alone, the rest we care the least no matter how close they are, mother , father, brother , sister, wife, husband..... all we think of is ourselves.. we have only one quote to our defense... Have only one life , why not enjoy it to the full?
However what we forget is in the sense of enjoying life to the full, we tend to lose whom we treasure the most becomming self centric. Am I one of them? or becoming one of them?
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Insomnia
First signs of insomnia is when you experience those typical headaches, want to rest but your mental illusions, unwarranted fears and thrust of responsibilities don't allow you to rest.
Welcome to the world of the damned, I too am a zombie in this dimension. To die is like a paradise and to live is hell. Yes....nostalgic or paranoia or whatever you may call. By now you must have guessed I'm a bad writer. Well I think; its how all writers are... less of language and more of what they have in mind spit out in words. Nevertheless for those of you, ... wonder if anyone comes across what I write, must have guessed I have no experience in writing... you are correct!!!
This article is yet another of my nonsense.. as my girlfriend says ' I do not think before I talk and talk more but of less sense these days'. Maybe she is right :)
Had a long day today at work...strained with headache wanted to sleep, but couldn't stop thinking about personal life. Who wants to spoil a good nights sleep with writing rubbish.. well I think I do. Started to write this blog to reflect on myself. Maybe someday will try to read through these pages and see how bad or worse a person I was.
As any other day in my life for the past two or maybe three years; even today started with waking up in the middle of the night to see if my girlfriend was online. she had been and had left me a message. I was awake or atleast; I think I did when she wrote, but didn't want to write her back, due to laziness or anger towards her. They say love is truthful and love is divine. I think I have the worst side of love.. distrust, pain and anger. Haha!! yea you might be wondering what kind of guy is this who talks about love with exactly the opposite sentiments :D I think that's how love is- a mixed package of everything; or maybe I have never felt true love or atleast don't want to acknowledge it. More about this long distance love and how its running bitter these days later.
So after those midnight hide and seeks and exchange of messages again fell asleep, to wake up in the morning to send a few emails to my manager at work. He is a nice guy as all Americans seem to be until they show their true color; when they are bugged. Got a quick reply that he would need to look through my analysis before he can comment. This was followed by a meeting setup with a colleague who comprise of the team.
Later followed a fit of email exchanges related to work interlaced with chats with my girlfreind. She seemed upset the other night when talking with me but at morning said she was much better and ok and even today, her response was much similar, just the case she mentioned that she cried. I tried to console her , saying that sometimes have to be patient and let the good happen and how I had to wait for an year after meeting with an accident and was deprived of job and was undergoing the same situation as her. Well she had been laid off suddenly from her job as active seller in a housing repair firm that works for the municipality in Europe.
Haha, now that's interesting where am I?... in US and where is she? ... in Europe, long distance love ;) that's why so much turmoil. I feel envious when I meet people who have childhood sweethearts or well known or close to them. How on earth do I not have someone like that? maybe some people are not made up for such comforts of love. Anyway I'm one of those unlucky but lucky guys who fell in love with the woman of my dreams. Still dreams that's why no sleep :D
After consoling her I left to work and she mentioned that she was talking with one of her new pals who recently came to her city.. woooo that's one faint thing to keep circling in a guys mind... why would his girl be interested in some unknown guy :D What a guy fails to understand is that there could be friends and not necessarily chivalrous guys who want to take over his girlfriend. You and I know that these days its more of talk and less that happens in real world for friendships between guys and girls. Every guy who has a stick between his legs wants to have a girl get laid :P too cheap in thoughts???? that's why the blog name confessions of a sinful mind ;) Now you must be getting to understand me closely. I don't mind that's the sort of guy I'm.
And these thoughts kept circling in mind... but work I like coz it shuts the devil from out of my mind and I like to work.. feel its pure.. doesn't hate me like my colleagues, boss or other people do.. gets better and better the more I spend time on it...doesn't betray me ... the more I put effort into it the more it is beautiful. Doesn't complain about; how less or more attention I give to it. Always is consistent and rewarding. Don't know much about the rewarding part, atleast does not do much harm to me or atleast I feel so.
At times I get cross with it too, not that I loose patience but little trivia in personal life creates ripples in work too. So I messed up a few things in the sense took more time to complete a few tasks and lay sitting with laptop in front and clicking here and there thinking and lost; doesn't happen to me most of the time..unless I'm alone, which I'm for most part of my life.
Yet still it went on ok with a few chats with my sweetheart and I cared less to respond to her today the more I thought about her befriending other guys the more I felt heart broken as to why she would have to look for some asian guys when there were so many folks around and female friends. Anyway ways of life are staggering and confusing. Atleast I couldn't understand it, but somehow tried to convince myself that everything is for good and that's how it should be I think. Fools think more but wise act soon :D and that's how I'm... Fool and always will be .. when others of my age and younger are getting married, settling down in life.. me still lingering in dreams and waiting for something to happen, well not happen waiting for how relationships change as time passes as I'm afraid of sudden change and want to prolong it a while till I feel comfortable that I have chosen the right one. Sometimes I feel that I'm wasting precious time but at times feel that I would lose everything by waiting but then at times I feel I should let the butterfly out else what would be the case if it wants to get out when I want to hold it still and close in my palm. That's always a difficult question to answer to anyone. Same as the question of marriage and divorce.
Sometimes I think of leaving of everything I have and go to a remote village, marrying a village belle and living in peace. At times I think girls are trouble whether in city or in village all of them are same... maybe Indian women are different atleast seem faithful to their husbands. Do not know how much of that is true, but I think 90% of them are quite faithful. Haha and men all of them are doubtful whether in city or in village they want to enjoy the most of what they get women, money and power but cannot stand a woman having the same and yet saying that she loves him :D paradox of life???.. maybe.. but not my piece of cake to stand for.
And so half the day passed and then got busy with calls and meetings good for nothing ones.. all I had to do was to talk most of which I guess was understood and later conveyed to me that we were back on square one and still have to plan ahead for such circumstances to be discussed. I guess that's what every manager does .. makes you look like a fool as if he knows everything under the sun.
This followed by some tasks I had to perform. I called up my colleague to lend me helping hand only to find out that he had put everything on my shoulder and left to go out with his kids. No problem, as I said I love to work and work taking others piece of shit too!!. So I completed all that to be done for the day. Between came some emails and questions asking how to find this or that and why number doesn't match with other. Gosh!!! that's it.... flew emails back and forth exchange of words with customers each talking about doing it the right way.. and atlast; I won with that grin in face got back to work attending to the same email query the customer had sent only to find that it was wrong in the way she was trying to look at the data.
Hmmmm.. women have brains in their tongue atleast that was the impression I got, but from heart they are most lovely creatures on earth made by god. Full of compassion and love.. hehehe in dreams maybe... but in real they are hell :P atleast at work I feel so.
So things followed likewise and on way back home was talking to another colleague who seem to copy my ideas and let his seniors know whats to be done. Anyway I'm least bothered who copies whom with the state I'm in. All I know is that I want something in life and if I don't achieve it soon, will feel miserable and wretched everyday ....
Cooked dinner and had food, thinking all the while where I was going and what am I doing and thus when wanted to sleep ended up writing all this crap you have read so far. Today was a really miserable day.. and I feel sorry for myself for spitting out such nonsense but couldn't help. Somedays should pass by as such and atleast I feel better now that I have told 50% of what I have up clogged in here. Good or bad worse or nice what a man thinks is what he is made of and I'm all bare and sane in baring it all. After all one has to confess to oneself how much good or bad he is and to alone and to God is he accountable for his evil and devious thoughts. In this tone I try to end thought it seems difficult maybe tomorrow will be a better day with those chiming birds and talk of squirrels and chatter of leaves and warmth of the sun. To yet an another day of lovely and bloosooming of the flowers..... to another day of tender snow flakes falling as pure as unsinful thoughts around us.....
Cheers....
Welcome to the world of the damned, I too am a zombie in this dimension. To die is like a paradise and to live is hell. Yes....nostalgic or paranoia or whatever you may call. By now you must have guessed I'm a bad writer. Well I think; its how all writers are... less of language and more of what they have in mind spit out in words. Nevertheless for those of you, ... wonder if anyone comes across what I write, must have guessed I have no experience in writing... you are correct!!!
This article is yet another of my nonsense.. as my girlfriend says ' I do not think before I talk and talk more but of less sense these days'. Maybe she is right :)
Had a long day today at work...strained with headache wanted to sleep, but couldn't stop thinking about personal life. Who wants to spoil a good nights sleep with writing rubbish.. well I think I do. Started to write this blog to reflect on myself. Maybe someday will try to read through these pages and see how bad or worse a person I was.
As any other day in my life for the past two or maybe three years; even today started with waking up in the middle of the night to see if my girlfriend was online. she had been and had left me a message. I was awake or atleast; I think I did when she wrote, but didn't want to write her back, due to laziness or anger towards her. They say love is truthful and love is divine. I think I have the worst side of love.. distrust, pain and anger. Haha!! yea you might be wondering what kind of guy is this who talks about love with exactly the opposite sentiments :D I think that's how love is- a mixed package of everything; or maybe I have never felt true love or atleast don't want to acknowledge it. More about this long distance love and how its running bitter these days later.
So after those midnight hide and seeks and exchange of messages again fell asleep, to wake up in the morning to send a few emails to my manager at work. He is a nice guy as all Americans seem to be until they show their true color; when they are bugged. Got a quick reply that he would need to look through my analysis before he can comment. This was followed by a meeting setup with a colleague who comprise of the team.
Later followed a fit of email exchanges related to work interlaced with chats with my girlfreind. She seemed upset the other night when talking with me but at morning said she was much better and ok and even today, her response was much similar, just the case she mentioned that she cried. I tried to console her , saying that sometimes have to be patient and let the good happen and how I had to wait for an year after meeting with an accident and was deprived of job and was undergoing the same situation as her. Well she had been laid off suddenly from her job as active seller in a housing repair firm that works for the municipality in Europe.
Haha, now that's interesting where am I?... in US and where is she? ... in Europe, long distance love ;) that's why so much turmoil. I feel envious when I meet people who have childhood sweethearts or well known or close to them. How on earth do I not have someone like that? maybe some people are not made up for such comforts of love. Anyway I'm one of those unlucky but lucky guys who fell in love with the woman of my dreams. Still dreams that's why no sleep :D
After consoling her I left to work and she mentioned that she was talking with one of her new pals who recently came to her city.. woooo that's one faint thing to keep circling in a guys mind... why would his girl be interested in some unknown guy :D What a guy fails to understand is that there could be friends and not necessarily chivalrous guys who want to take over his girlfriend. You and I know that these days its more of talk and less that happens in real world for friendships between guys and girls. Every guy who has a stick between his legs wants to have a girl get laid :P too cheap in thoughts???? that's why the blog name confessions of a sinful mind ;) Now you must be getting to understand me closely. I don't mind that's the sort of guy I'm.
And these thoughts kept circling in mind... but work I like coz it shuts the devil from out of my mind and I like to work.. feel its pure.. doesn't hate me like my colleagues, boss or other people do.. gets better and better the more I spend time on it...doesn't betray me ... the more I put effort into it the more it is beautiful. Doesn't complain about; how less or more attention I give to it. Always is consistent and rewarding. Don't know much about the rewarding part, atleast does not do much harm to me or atleast I feel so.
At times I get cross with it too, not that I loose patience but little trivia in personal life creates ripples in work too. So I messed up a few things in the sense took more time to complete a few tasks and lay sitting with laptop in front and clicking here and there thinking and lost; doesn't happen to me most of the time..unless I'm alone, which I'm for most part of my life.
Yet still it went on ok with a few chats with my sweetheart and I cared less to respond to her today the more I thought about her befriending other guys the more I felt heart broken as to why she would have to look for some asian guys when there were so many folks around and female friends. Anyway ways of life are staggering and confusing. Atleast I couldn't understand it, but somehow tried to convince myself that everything is for good and that's how it should be I think. Fools think more but wise act soon :D and that's how I'm... Fool and always will be .. when others of my age and younger are getting married, settling down in life.. me still lingering in dreams and waiting for something to happen, well not happen waiting for how relationships change as time passes as I'm afraid of sudden change and want to prolong it a while till I feel comfortable that I have chosen the right one. Sometimes I feel that I'm wasting precious time but at times feel that I would lose everything by waiting but then at times I feel I should let the butterfly out else what would be the case if it wants to get out when I want to hold it still and close in my palm. That's always a difficult question to answer to anyone. Same as the question of marriage and divorce.
Sometimes I think of leaving of everything I have and go to a remote village, marrying a village belle and living in peace. At times I think girls are trouble whether in city or in village all of them are same... maybe Indian women are different atleast seem faithful to their husbands. Do not know how much of that is true, but I think 90% of them are quite faithful. Haha and men all of them are doubtful whether in city or in village they want to enjoy the most of what they get women, money and power but cannot stand a woman having the same and yet saying that she loves him :D paradox of life???.. maybe.. but not my piece of cake to stand for.
And so half the day passed and then got busy with calls and meetings good for nothing ones.. all I had to do was to talk most of which I guess was understood and later conveyed to me that we were back on square one and still have to plan ahead for such circumstances to be discussed. I guess that's what every manager does .. makes you look like a fool as if he knows everything under the sun.
This followed by some tasks I had to perform. I called up my colleague to lend me helping hand only to find out that he had put everything on my shoulder and left to go out with his kids. No problem, as I said I love to work and work taking others piece of shit too!!. So I completed all that to be done for the day. Between came some emails and questions asking how to find this or that and why number doesn't match with other. Gosh!!! that's it.... flew emails back and forth exchange of words with customers each talking about doing it the right way.. and atlast; I won with that grin in face got back to work attending to the same email query the customer had sent only to find that it was wrong in the way she was trying to look at the data.
Hmmmm.. women have brains in their tongue atleast that was the impression I got, but from heart they are most lovely creatures on earth made by god. Full of compassion and love.. hehehe in dreams maybe... but in real they are hell :P atleast at work I feel so.
So things followed likewise and on way back home was talking to another colleague who seem to copy my ideas and let his seniors know whats to be done. Anyway I'm least bothered who copies whom with the state I'm in. All I know is that I want something in life and if I don't achieve it soon, will feel miserable and wretched everyday ....
Cooked dinner and had food, thinking all the while where I was going and what am I doing and thus when wanted to sleep ended up writing all this crap you have read so far. Today was a really miserable day.. and I feel sorry for myself for spitting out such nonsense but couldn't help. Somedays should pass by as such and atleast I feel better now that I have told 50% of what I have up clogged in here. Good or bad worse or nice what a man thinks is what he is made of and I'm all bare and sane in baring it all. After all one has to confess to oneself how much good or bad he is and to alone and to God is he accountable for his evil and devious thoughts. In this tone I try to end thought it seems difficult maybe tomorrow will be a better day with those chiming birds and talk of squirrels and chatter of leaves and warmth of the sun. To yet an another day of lovely and bloosooming of the flowers..... to another day of tender snow flakes falling as pure as unsinful thoughts around us.....
Cheers....
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