Insomnia

First signs of insomnia is when you experience those typical headaches, want to rest but your mental illusions, unwarranted fears and thrust of responsibilities don't allow you to rest.

Welcome to the world of the damned, I too am a zombie in this dimension. To die is like a paradise and to live is hell. Yes....nostalgic or paranoia or whatever you may call. By now you must have guessed I'm a bad writer. Well I think; its how all writers are... less of language and more of what they have in mind spit out in words. Nevertheless for those of you, ... wonder if anyone comes across what I write, must have guessed I have no experience in writing... you are correct!!!

This article is yet another of my nonsense.. as my girlfriend says ' I do not think before I talk and talk more but of less sense these days'. Maybe she is right :)

Had a long day today at work...strained with headache wanted to sleep, but couldn't stop thinking about personal life. Who wants to spoil a good nights sleep with writing rubbish.. well I think I do. Started to write this blog to reflect on myself. Maybe someday will try to read through these pages and see how bad or worse a person I was.

As any other day in my life for the past two or maybe three years; even today started with waking up in the middle of the night to see if my girlfriend was online. she had been and had left me a message. I was awake or atleast; I think I did when she wrote, but didn't want to write her back, due to laziness or anger towards her. They say love is truthful and love is divine. I think I have the worst side of love.. distrust, pain and anger. Haha!! yea you might be wondering what kind of guy is this who talks about love with exactly the opposite sentiments :D I think that's how love is- a mixed package of everything; or maybe I have never felt true love or atleast don't want to acknowledge it. More about this long distance love and how its running bitter these days later.

So after those midnight hide and seeks and exchange of messages again fell asleep, to wake up in the morning to send a few emails to my manager at work. He is a nice guy as all Americans seem to be until they show their true color; when they are bugged. Got a quick reply that he would need to look through my analysis before he can comment. This was followed by a meeting setup with a colleague who comprise of the team.

Later followed a fit of email exchanges related to work interlaced with chats with my girlfreind. She seemed upset the other night when talking with me but at morning said she was much better and ok and even today, her response was much similar, just the case she mentioned that she cried. I tried to console her , saying that sometimes have to be patient and let the good happen and how I had to wait for an year after meeting with an accident and was deprived of job and was undergoing the same situation as her. Well she had been laid off suddenly from her job as active seller in a housing repair firm that works for the municipality in Europe.

Haha, now that's interesting where am I?... in US and where is she? ... in Europe, long distance love ;) that's why so much turmoil. I feel envious when I meet people who have childhood sweethearts or well known or close to them. How on earth do I not have someone like that? maybe some people are not made up for such comforts of love. Anyway I'm one of those unlucky but lucky guys who fell in love with the woman of my dreams. Still dreams that's why no sleep :D

After consoling her I left to work and she mentioned that she was talking with one of her new pals who recently came to her city.. woooo that's one faint thing to keep circling in a guys mind... why would his girl be interested in some unknown guy :D What a guy fails to understand is that there could be friends and not necessarily chivalrous guys who want to take over his girlfriend. You and I know that these days its more of talk and less that happens in real world for friendships between guys and girls. Every guy who has a stick between his legs wants to have a girl get laid :P too cheap in thoughts???? that's why the blog name confessions of a sinful mind ;) Now you must be getting to understand me closely. I don't mind that's the sort of guy I'm.

And these thoughts kept circling in mind... but work I like coz it shuts the devil from out of my mind and I like to work.. feel its pure.. doesn't hate me like my colleagues, boss or other people do.. gets better and better the more I spend time on it...doesn't betray me ... the more I put effort into it the more it is beautiful. Doesn't complain about; how less or more attention I give to it. Always is consistent and rewarding. Don't know much about the rewarding part, atleast does not do much harm to me or atleast I feel so.

At times I get cross with it too, not that I loose patience but little trivia in personal life creates ripples in work too. So I messed up a few things in the sense took more time to complete a few tasks and lay sitting with laptop in front and clicking here and there thinking and lost; doesn't happen to me most of the time..unless I'm alone, which I'm for most part of my life.

Yet still it went on ok with a few chats with my sweetheart and I cared less to respond to her today the more I thought about her befriending other guys the more I felt heart broken as to why she would have to look for some asian guys when there were so many folks around and female friends. Anyway ways of life are staggering and confusing. Atleast I couldn't understand it, but somehow tried to convince myself that everything is for good and that's how it should be I think. Fools think more but wise act soon :D and that's how I'm... Fool and always will be .. when others of my age and younger are getting married, settling down in life.. me still lingering in dreams and waiting for something to happen, well not happen waiting for how relationships change as time passes as I'm afraid of sudden change and want to prolong it a while till I feel comfortable that I have chosen the right one. Sometimes I feel that I'm wasting precious time but at times feel that I would lose everything by waiting but then at times I feel I should let the butterfly out else what would be the case if it wants to get out when I want to hold it still and close in my palm. That's always a difficult question to answer to anyone. Same as the question of marriage and divorce.

Sometimes I think of leaving of everything I have and go to a remote village, marrying a village belle and living in peace. At times I think girls are trouble whether in city or in village all of them are same... maybe Indian women are different atleast seem faithful to their husbands. Do not know how much of that is true, but I think 90% of them are quite faithful. Haha and men all of them are doubtful whether in city or in village they want to enjoy the most of what they get women, money and power but cannot stand a woman having the same and yet saying that she loves him :D paradox of life???.. maybe.. but not my piece of cake to stand for.

And so half the day passed and then got busy with calls and meetings good for nothing ones.. all I had to do was to talk most of which I guess was understood and later conveyed to me that we were back on square one and still have to plan ahead for such circumstances to be discussed. I guess that's what every manager does .. makes you look like a fool as if he knows everything under the sun.

This followed by some tasks I had to perform. I called up my colleague to lend me helping hand only to find out that he had put everything on my shoulder and left to go out with his kids. No problem, as I said I love to work and work taking others piece of shit too!!. So I completed all that to be done for the day. Between came some emails and questions asking how to find this or that and why number doesn't match with other. Gosh!!! that's it.... flew emails back and forth exchange of words with customers each talking about doing it the right way.. and atlast; I won with that grin in face got back to work attending to the same email query the customer had sent only to find that it was wrong in the way she was trying to look at the data.

Hmmmm.. women have brains in their tongue atleast that was the impression I got, but from heart they are most lovely creatures on earth made by god. Full of compassion and love.. hehehe in dreams maybe... but in real they are hell :P atleast at work I feel so.

So things followed likewise and on way back home was talking to another colleague who seem to copy my ideas and let his seniors know whats to be done. Anyway I'm least bothered who copies whom with the state I'm in. All I know is that I want something in life and if I don't achieve it soon, will feel miserable and wretched everyday ....

Cooked dinner and had food, thinking all the while where I was going and what am I doing and thus when wanted to sleep ended up writing all this crap you have read so far. Today was a really miserable day.. and I feel sorry for myself for spitting out such nonsense but couldn't help. Somedays should pass by as such and atleast I feel better now that I have told 50% of what I have up clogged in here. Good or bad worse or nice what a man thinks is what he is made of and I'm all bare and sane in baring it all. After all one has to confess to oneself how much good or bad he is and to alone and to God is he accountable for his evil and devious thoughts. In this tone I try to end thought it seems difficult maybe tomorrow will be a better day with those chiming birds and talk of squirrels and chatter of leaves and warmth of the sun. To yet an another day of lovely and bloosooming of the flowers..... to another day of tender snow flakes falling as pure as unsinful thoughts around us.....

Cheers....