Reflections

As I lay in bed I think what have I done for the day and what have I done through the past years of my life. Have I been a good son to mother or father, a good brother to brother or sister or been a loved one to my beloved and dear ones.

What a man soweth so shall he rep. Quite true, looking back at all the years all I come to know is that I have loved none but myself... Yet quite to my dismay others seem to like me or atleast I feel so, maybe a mirage on water :) but yes when I lay with three pounds or traction with pulling weights down my two sides of the head I saw tears rolling down everyone surrounding me. Suddenly I felt I had more than one who loved and cared for me and wanted me to live. Death was so near with doctors saying if I go into a coma may not survive yet still I seemed to smile down every face that showed sadness and tears.

Looks like thats how my life has been smile down everyone leaving tears to all who loved me. Yet I smile, smile that I have people looking at me, smile to hide my fears, smile to hide my sadness, smile to hide my anger... and yet I smile. My weakness ... my strength....

As usual started my day in bed looking for my sweethearts messages...a couple seem to have come and I responded to them.. still messages are messages nothing is as good as a nice talk, depth in voice, love in the air. So I called her to find out how she was, looks like she was doing well preparing for her friends coming and cleaning up the apartment. Her sister was inviting some friends to watch a movie. Good to have friends, they take away the loneliness and pain of being alone. Something that I never mastered. To me freinds came to mind when I wanted and when wished to be with them. Hmmm, yes I'm an opportunist in true sense, true to my whims and fancies have so less freinds or those whom I call friends.

At times I think would I be able to give her a good life, me an mix of introvert and extrovert and she more seems to be of an extrovert. Most of the time, I spend with myself and with work and she is like a bird, flies in the air; free and tends to flock with similar birds. I rarely visit a cafe or restaurant unless I couldn't resist hunger or urge to eat something nice. Whereas she does visit quite often to be with friends, sometimes to make friends. Likes to dance or hang out much with friends on Saturdays or weekends. I at the other hand all I can hang out is with my laptop and bed during those days. Hehe, wonder how would it be when be together, maybe I still would not let loose my habits and she would go crazy.

Well, coming from a lower middle class family, all I have seen in my life is the 15 inch TV and quite a few friends who lived in the near by houses, that's all I had for entertainment. Couldn't spend much as only father earned for the house and had six hungry kids to feed and mom didn't work. All her time was spent attending to us and father and she took it as her unpaid work for all her life. Day in and day out struggled for the family never a day complained, as even if she worked she could have taken a day or two off a week but for hungry bellies never was a day off.

I still remember the day when she beat me black and blue coz I stole 5 paise ($0.001) for buying a candy. Since that day I never touched anything that wasn't mine, except for books that I borrowed from time to time from neighbors stackbox and returned them. Like all kids I too was obsessed with sweets and icecream and unlike most of them also was obsessed with books. Obsession with books took away most of my appetite and hence never complained to anyone that wanted something nice or special. All I could think of was to be like those guys described in books, sometimes like superhero out to save the world, sometimes a lone crusader off to save the jungles of Africa. As a part of this obsession read the entire bible thrice before I was 13 and was the best in catechism. Anyways those were good old days. Walking almost 7 miles a day from home to school and from school back to home.

Dad couldn't afford me money to take the bus, but nevertheless gave me two good feet to walk on. Walked everywhere I went under shade of tress over bridges with small stream underneath, listening to the gush of water flowing past, across crazy roads which were too wide and big then and not so many motor vehicles zipped past , but still was afraid at times to cross. Across big hockey feild which was four times the size of a soccer field or atleast I felt so. Walking under the gulmohar trees in spring was fun. Everything was painted in red and looked like the heaven was covered in red robe with holes in between and golden rays penetrated through them down to touch me holding my hand as I walked under them. Lush green bushes and plants surrounding the roads, some spawning from between the fence and some trees throwing their shade from other side of the fence. Walking was fun not always though especially when it rained was worse, couldn't afford an umbrella, so tied plastic bags around head which was not enough to keep me dry. So at times had to run not to get drenched in the rain, but most of the time stayed back till it stopped.

My first raincoat was when I was 12 years old I think, don't remember much but was all in silver color and the best I ever received as gift, for the first few days it was fun, but later on it became a burned to already saddled bag of books and had to carry it daily coz never could predict when it would rain or not during monsoons and in the east coast, it rained almost on every occassion, north west monsoon between mid of April to July, south west monsoon from July to september or mid october and again cyclones in October and November. Then came December too cold at times it went to as close as 7 or 8 degrees celsius for a boy who had beared on an average of 22- 23 degrees in the year bearing 8 degrees was like dressing like an eskimo. Never walked without slippers and sweater. When was a kid used to wear half trousers and that made it even worse so had to drape myself in a blanket always.

Christmas was fun, loved carols when they visited home and neighbours and those midnight celebrations in church was fantastic and wonderful, likewise for Newyear. Still remember writing the NewYear with the candle flames and welcomming it along with the rest of the people.
Those days will remain as memories now .....

I think I too would love to go out and spend time and money..but as soon as I go out I'm afraid of spending, the same when I stay home would save on food, on travel expenses and ofcourse on unnecessary stuff that I would be tempted to buy or would have to buy in company of freinds. Maybe I'm a miser or maybe I'm a spendthrift. A guy who has left his shores for another shore to find a better place to work for more money is always greedy to save, so am I.. so wats wrong with it. I dunt mind wat others think or go crazy about pubs, bars, girlfreinds, boyfreinds or casinos or cars or food. I careless about them. All I do care is to muster the courage to face the life in future that lays ahead of me. I'm not born rich like so many others I see or happen to see, nor have I become rich.. all I have been is still stay the same lower middle class guy who sleeps on the floor and uses just two pillows for resting and a blanket to cover himself to sleep. I think thats all I would need seven feet of space and some warmth.

All I'm afraid of is her adjusting to my lifestyle and thoughts and me adjusting to her lifestyles. Never in my life drove a car, nor have seen it closely for first 20 years of my life :P Its going to be an intresting blend of customs, lifestyles and cultures, where east meets west. Hope so there would be fusion in everything.

Unlike other saturdays where I used to sleep for most part of the day, today was spent in watching a horror movie with friends, working for most of the time and then again watching sci-fi movie. And then again working a bit and watching a historic chinese movie. The first movie was captivating for one song.

Where do you search for salvation my freind
I'm always inside you, with you..
Not in holy places, nor in idols
nor in places of silence
I'm with you my freind, with you

The sooner you search the sooner you will find
in a moment of quest with faith
says the wise old seer
I'm always in your faith

Oh my dear freind..
I'm inside you, with you
For the up-liftment of the good and virtuous,
For the destruction of evil,
For the re-establishment of the natural law,
I will come, in every age
Nor am I in prayer nor in meditation..
nor in steadfastness or fasting..
not in meaningless rituals
nor in celibacy or monastery,
nor in life nor in death,
nor on earth nor in sky,
nor in flora or fauna
nor in depths nor caves
nor in the air that we breathe
my freind...
the sooner you search the sooner you will find
in a moment of quest with faith
I'm always inside you.. with you

The moral of the movie was even if we do not commit evil, do not be prepetrators of evil tied through some way or other by greed or lust or hunger for power. What you sow, so shall you reap, if you affect even one life it will come back to you and affect you to the full till the day you leave the earth.

Then after working for a while saw chronicles of Riddick was good time, prevailance of good over evil like in all movies where the subdued overcome the suppressors. However the last one that I saw was a bit sad, coz it was more closer to real life and historic one belonging to the life of emperor of the Tang Dynasty. The movie was about how he cheated his lover when he was a captain due to his high ambitions to become a ruler and to marry a princess just for her kingdom. Later he finds that the empress is sleeping with his son from his first lover and poisons her slowly with black fungus. The empress knowing his evil designs plots to lead an uprising against him using her own son (second in heir to the throne). He is the most capable of all the empeorors sons, most obedient to his father and mother and couldn't say no to his mother asking him to lead an uprising while she herself was struggling with her life in slow death.

This starts the chrysanthemum war, the emperor comes to know through his first son that his wife is plotting to overthrow him and orders his army for seizing his revolting son. His youngest son in fit of madness of the throne kills his elder brother and the emperor who loves his eldest the most kills his youngest son to avenge his death. The palace is in utter turmoil when the second son wearing the chrystanthemum banners and leading an army of 10000 soldiers marches into the palace to see that his father had been warned and all his uprising mutineers are slaughtered. His second son is caught as a traitor.

His father arranges a banquet inviting his wife and his second son. He tells his son that he was planning to make him heir to the throne after the chrysthanthemum festival and he did a big mistake in taking part in the uprising and that he would spare his life, if he himself hands over the poision daily to her mother to die a slow death. The son, tells his father that he didn't not lead the uprising for the throne, he knew from the start that he would lose, but to keep his mothers will, he lead it. Thus saying he kneels to his mother and says, he failed but he tried his best and draws out his sword and kills himself.

Story ends in a tragic end where entire family is wiped out in a single night yet the emperor stays undeterred. Most of our lives are almost the same, we do what we want what that pleases us and us alone, the rest we care the least no matter how close they are, mother , father, brother , sister, wife, husband..... all we think of is ourselves.. we have only one quote to our defense... Have only one life , why not enjoy it to the full?

However what we forget is in the sense of enjoying life to the full, we tend to lose whom we treasure the most becomming self centric. Am I one of them? or becoming one of them?